Breaking Up With a Friend

| Saturday August 30, 2008

When looking for a boyfriend, there are certain traits and characteristics you want him to have. A relationship with a friend can be just as complex as the relationship with your guy. Not every one of your friends will be perfectly compatible with you. If you would rather have 'Aunt Flow' pay you your monthly visit than your BFF, it's time to consider how well suited the two of you really are. If you constantly feel frustrated with her and have disputes over the same problems, it might be time to let her go. But how do you know when that time has arrived?

1) Does she always place herself first?
Does she flirt with the guy you have been crushing on for two years, even after you told her how much you liked him? Is it always her way or the highway? When you're planning your birthday get together, does she constantly whine about how much she wants to have dinner on a cruise ship even though she knows you easily get seasick?

2) Is she using you?
Think of all the times you've gone out for lunch together. Are you the one paying the bill? When you invited her to an office party, did she ditch you for your hot co-worker by the bar? Does she always borrow your clothing and forget to give it back on time, and still hasn't given it back after a year? Does she let you finish your sentences?

3) Are you not important to her?
When she got back from a two-month vacation in Paris, you thought you would be the first one she called, but you never received a call from her for two weeks straight. Whenever you tell her about an interesting event or an accomplishment in your life, is she unsupportive and never acknowledges what you are saying?

4) Is she trustworthy and reliable?
When you make plans, does she show up on time or wait until you're on your second glass of Chardonnay? Do you constantly feel like you have to call her to make sure she doesn't stand you up? When you confide your most personal secrets to her, do you end up overhearing gossip about yourself only she knew?

If you answered "Yes" more than "No", your so called BFF may not really be a good friend after all. On the other hand, if your friend only falls into one or two categories of the questions there may still be hope in the friendship department. It is also important to consider how you would stack up against those questions. A true friendship goes both ways. If a candid heart to heart about your concerns doesn't affect her inconsiderate behaviour or you find you spend more time complaining after a visit with her than smiling, you're better off to cut her loose.

When your decision to dump your friend is final, always be calm and plan out what you want to say ahead of time. If you show anger or speak offensively, it can create unnecessary tension or an argument that may escalate to involving friends in your circle. Your friends may choose to take sides in the argument, or you or the friend may end up feeling singled out of the group. Planning out what to say in advance helps you focus on the important topics and avoid saying something you might regret. Writing out what you would like to say first is a good tactic when planning.

Breaking up with a friend takes plenty of courage and can be a difficult and emotional process for both. By constantly allowing a relationship to impact your daily life in a negative way, the pressure may result in a more complicated situation than before. Breaking off an unhealthy relationship will lift the weight off your shoulders, and allow you to move forward with your life without the negative sidekick weighing you down. Losing a friend can hurt just like ending a romantic relationship, but if that means you'll spend less time swearing and more time smiling, it's probably for the best.

By Jacqueline To

4 Comments

	on November 08, 2008 artist 7,013 said: Hmm... I agree with some but not all of these points listed above. I think there can be better indicators of a friendship breaking up. These are all a little too obvious, and plenty of times things are much more complicated. I think one of the most important factors to consider is whether or not you both have outgrown each other. The entire idea of "BFF" is completely over-rated. A person at 5 years old is not the same at 25. People change over time. But if the person is that close to you, you may not realized until it's too late. Remember that good friends support each other and try to bring each other up. They both put effort into the relationship to make it work. If there's only effort from one side... well then there is no relationship there, because helping and supporting each other forms the basis of every relationship. Relationships are like laundry, they should be manageable but not overwhelming.
	on October 15, 2008 Brokenheart 153 said: <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> I had a close friend for three years, whom I saw a lot of at work and outside. She ended our friendship six months ago, for no other reason than that I was sensitive, insecure at times, and a negative weight on her shoulders. Though I enlisted in therapy immediately and showed her how much I had changed, my friend insisted that she would never again want a relationship with me in this entire lifetime! After this she banned me from any outings with our common friends, which escalated into six other friends ending their relationships with me just to please her. I think she told them that I wasn't leaving her alone. She has banned me from her book club and will ignore me among other staff at work by lowering her head in the staff room. Please tell me what to do, this situation is turning into a disaster for me. Is it possible my friend is just still angry and will one day change her mind about her decision to never have contact again? How will I work in the same place with this person I still care so much about, when she won't even look at me? Seeking urgent advice
	on September 05, 2008 breathepink 3,618 said: I had a best friend that showed 2 out of these 4 signs and I thought the same thing; yes there's hope to make it better but in the end it dissolved and we haven't talked much since the end of our friendship - just the usual "long time no talk, how is school?" and stuff but it's okay. Sometimes I miss her but its true, I feel better off without her!
	on September 02, 2008 merri 673 said: At first i was reading this and thinking wow, who would be dumb enough to have a friend like that, they sound like an annoying almost enemy. then i realized, hey, i have! It's not always easy to see how it is when it's happening. But once i got rid of those friends, i felt traumatized, but overall better. and now i've been lucky to have a GREAT best friend for years who DEFINITELY does not fit any of these criteria!