Ex-Boyfriends, FaceBook, & Why I Won't Go There

Posted by Nora | Tuesday December 7, 2010

The past seven days have officially been Ex-Boyfriend Week.

Ex-Boyfriend Week is a magical time when former loves suddenly reappear in your e-mail inbox, text messages or Facebook feed, trying to see if the space they had formerly occupied in your life has been filled.

It’s as if every time I kiss a boy on the mouth, I equip him with a radar that alerts him when I’ve begun to see somebody new (more on that later, maybe).

Usually, these are benign check-ins. This week featured a text message telling me that a trip to Pittsburgh had reminded him of me (REALLY?!), an e-mail asking how I’ve been, and a Facebook post with a funny link.

Now, I am open to love in all of its forms: friendship, puppies, little babies, lifelong lovers and newlyweds. I’m also a firm believer in boundaries, but unfortunately the Internet doesn’t care about that and delivered me a friend request from the boy whose breakup preceded my exit from New York City.

Nearly a year and a half have gone by since we parted ways and probably 8 months since we last spoke. In that time I’ve loved again and again, I’ve broken hearts and almost broke my arm once (which is unrelated but completely badass). I’ve created the life I wanted to have and filled it with people and experiences that make me wake up thankful every day.

The friend request didn’t come with an apology or even hello. It signified that he was simply requesting access to a peephole into my life, no interaction required. That’s hardly friendship, even with an Internet definition.

As much as I believe in an abundance of love, I believe that I have a finite amount of emotional real estate, and there simply just isn’t any more space available for a passive observer.

Friend request rejected.

How do you deal with exes after a breakup?

by Nora McInerny

More by Nora
More on Relationships

Pin It

Flying Pretty? 3 Airplane Beauty...

Would You Freak on Your Ex's New...

18 Comments

	on December 16, 2010 cathy3087 98 said: I'm quite surprised to see that this article could be interpreted as anything other than fun and funny girl talk! But with that said, it's really important to be aware of the info you are putting up online for the world to see. Even the slightest, most minute possibility of identity theft, fraud or stalking is enough for me to limit my profile! I'm not willing to put myself and my privacy at risk for anything. Although this is pretty off topic from the decision to add an ex boyfriend to Facebook.......
	on December 13, 2010 Ali de Bold STAFF said: RT, that is a fascinating article and I'm going to post it in the forums for further discussion. Thanks for sharing!
	on December 13, 2010 RT said: I'm just saying its a waste of time trying. http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/web/12/13/end.of.privacy.intro/index.html Good Luck all.
	on December 13, 2010 Ali de Bold STAFF said: I have more people on my Facebook that I don't know than that I do. There are certain things I would absolutely want to hide. Ex: any personal details such as birthdate, full legal name, etc that could be used for identity fraud or too much info about my family or friends. I've seen friends post pictures of themselves holding their babies in front of their house with house # visible and their complete birthdate on their profile as well as a helpful email and phone # and I'm the first to email them to suggest they take it down. When it comes to online stuff you should always be really careful.
	on December 13, 2010 mamaluv STAFF said: RT, I'm going to have to disagree there. I have a limited profile because I don't want just anyone to see details about my personal life that are only there to share with close family and friends I can't see in person. It's not about hiding something - it's about being selective with how you share information. Ultimately, anything you post in a public space can be used for negative purposes, so maintaining control over who has access to certain information is just a smart precaution in my opinion, not self obsession.
	on December 13, 2010 RT said: Ali, This just sounds like such an over-reaction to a mundane facebook interaction. So many women focus on why things happen to them, and take no responsibility themselves. It just sounds so "poor me". I mean, if you dont want people to "peep" into your life, dont have a facebook profile. The idea behind showing only parts of who you are to certain people (via limited profile) actually says a lot about who you really are... Someone who is hiding something. RT
	on December 13, 2010 Ali de Bold STAFF said: RT, thanks for your comment, but please help us understand which part of this is self-obsessed? Is it self-obsessed to choose who you keep on your Facebook and who you don't? Then the millions of us that use Facebook are all guilty of that. We all make that decision every time someone adds us. Don't you? Or is just having a discussion on the topic that you find so upsetting? We talk about all sorts of topics on this site. Which would you like to see more of?
	on December 13, 2010 RT said: Its kind of pathetic how seriously you take facebook, and said friend request. I suggest you find a topic readers will find interesting to read about. There are enough self obsessed girls in the world, who think everything revolves around them. BORING!!
	on December 08, 2010 Miss K 1,801 said: My most recent ex and I didn't speak for months after I left him. And then out of nowhere he called...twice. I missed the calls but decided to check if everything was ok anyways, just in case something really awful happened. We had the most awkward conversation and he tried to get as much out of me as he could about my new guy. When he realized that wasn't going to happen, the conversation just ended. Why?! Who cares if I'm dating someone new?! I don't understand this obsession people develop to "check up" on their exes...aren't they exes for a reason? On facebook I have 3 and they are all on limited profile. No reason for them to see recent photos and comments on my wall.
	on December 08, 2010 cathy3087 98 said: Hahah loved your comment cd! I have 3 ex's on Facebook - but that's just because I added them while we were still dating. Maybe i should do a purge of my Facebook friends....