Pregnancy really brings out the crazy in people, doesn't it?  I'm convinced the hormones are responsible for many celebrity baby names or anyone who names their child a verb or an object.  It also makes them do things with their bumps they'd never do otherwise. 

Allow me to list the following pregnancy activities I will not be engaging in:

1. Baby bump posing in the nude, with one hand wrapped around the breasts and the other clutching your belly (so baby feels loved/to conceal their pubes).   You don't want your man goggling at Demi's baby bump pose, so does it really belong in your coffee table photo album?  And no - your child's new boyfriend/girlfriend will not be interested in pictures of their squeeze in utero or of your awkwardly protruding belly button.

And let's also rule out Baby Bump Posing with Mom AND Dad.  Why the men agree to this one always confounds me since their hormones remain unaffected.  My sister once received a card like this that said, "Look what our love has made".  Gross.  (Just think about that for a moment.)

2. Smiling serenely while telling everyone in earshot that this is the most amazing I've ever felt and other thoughtful musings about the life growing inside me.  This is usually done while stroking one's belly.

Question for people who do that:  For realz?  Throwing up, being exhausted and wearing your pants open is the best you've ever felt?

3. Arranging for someone to film the birth so that one day I can say to my child, "Look sweetie! That's your head coming out of Mommy's vagina!" 

4. Watching those exact birthing videos on Baby Center.  What will I learn from them?  That giving birth is excruciating?

Confession: I lied. I did watch one and I was eating a bag of chips at the time.  I can't look at that brand of chips anymore as it reminds me of vagina now. 

5. Only eating all natural organic everything so I can gnaw on pesticide-free stalks of wheat instead of what I actually want.  Which is cinnamon buns.

6. Letting strangers fondle my belly.  Why is it when you tell people you're pregnant they ditch the normal rules of personal space and start rubbing like a genie is going to appear?

7. Taking pregnancy advice from too many people.  There are so many contradicting theories out there about what you should and should not be doing  that it becomes a little ridiculous.  Most recently, a massage therapist advised me to never let anyone touch my feet until the baby was born or I could miscarry.  Oops. I had a pedicure last week.

XO, Mommy-to-be