The Yes Gal: Learning to Say No

Posted by Nora | Thursday March 17, 2011

I'm writing this from a conference room at SXSW where Dave Bruno is talking about his 100 Thing Challenge, a year he spent paring his belongings down to—you guessed it—100 things.

Now, I'm not much of a minimalist. I have a closet that is bursting with still-tagged clothing, a skincare routine that includes a myriad of daily potions and I've burned my way through at least four smartphones in the past few years. I'm writing this on an iPad while my phone buzzes next to me in a purse that contains no fewer than seven lip products.

Where Bruno is right is that some people are stuck in their stuff, however I'm more stuck in stuff to do.

My personal and professional lives are built on filling my schedule to the breaking point. I'd blame it on the pressures of being a modern woman but the fact of the matter is that I've been this way since I can remember: dedicated to forcing the very most out of every day. Not because I feel like I have to, but because I truly want to do it all. My default setting is "Yes."

"Yes, I will sign up for a gym and yoga membership and be the fittest person on earth." "Yes, I will babysit your turtle for you." "Duh, I would love to eat dinner with your third cousin who is passing through town on business." "Don't be silly, I will definitely help you move into a third-floor walk-up apartment." "Yes, I would love to come to that meeting!" "Of course I will make dinner tonight!" "For sure I will adopt that dog" (worst idea I've had).

Like any high school overachiever can tell you, the problem with saying "Yes" to everything is that it never feels like you're doing anything well enough. The high of my good intentions is followed with one hell of a hangover when I just can't be the best at everything.

My New Year's resolution was to be a modern lady who can do it all. Three months later, I can say I'm at two out of four: I've been making some amazing dinners for a certain man friend but I have yet to pick up a ukulele. I'm writing a letter every day, but I recently abandoned a bad knitting project.

I still think I can do it all, I just have to decide what all means.

And I have a feeling that's going to start with paring down and saying no (but I'm keeping the iPad).

Do you feel overscheduled or do you prefer a packed schedule? Where do you think we could all pare down these days?

by Nora McInerny

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5 Comments

	on March 17, 2011 Ali de Bold STAFF said: It's hard to say no when you are a 'yes' person. I used to say yes to everything too and then realized I was always stressed. It's for the same reason as you, Nora where I genuinely want to do it all, but things like hours in the day and physical or mental exhaustion make it impossible. Now I'm much more comfortable saying no. I probably say it too often, but I've also realized that scheduling down time is really important for me to feel balanced.
	on March 17, 2011 Siofan 50 said: A friend of mine always says yes to everyone, and then ends up having to cancel at the last minute or comes super late because she is overbooked. I'd rather her just suggest another night than feeling annoyed with her all the time. It's a hard thing to say to someone though, tell them you'd rather them say no.
	on March 17, 2011 mamaluv STAFF said: I agree with this so very much! I too am a Yes Gal and have real difficulty saying no. Stresses me out, actually.
	on March 17, 2011 cathy3087 98 said: I'm guilty of agreeing to do things because it seems like a great idea weeks in advance, but when the day come I totally regret it! I keep my schedule super busy but I try to make a point to leave Sundays free of plans so I can do anything I'm in the mood for. I love those days! Although it often seems like someone else - i.e. boyfriend or mother - takes this as an opportunity to schedule me in for something without telling me! There's so many things I'd like to do and hobbies I'm dying to take up but I guess you just have to take it one thing at a time. Why be mediocre at everything when you can be really great at 1 or 2 things, right?
	on March 17, 2011 LaurenBlair 128 said: Did you actually have dinner with someone's third cousin?! What's the story behind the dog? I like to have my schedule pretty busy, otherwise I end up wasting the time doing nothing at all! I agree though, saying no more often could be helpful to finding more time to do the things you really want to.