...Or, my kids will never have internet access and other curmudgeonly things I’ve said this week.

It’s graduation season. And you know why I know that? Because I have a Facebook account. And on that Facebook account, I am friends with high school students. And do you know what that means? It means that the young children I babysat during my emotionally fragile teenage years are now old enough to watch over  a new generation of children. But while I spent my nights recounting each social injustice in the private pages of my journal or furtively passing notes to my friends in the hallway, the teens in my feed have a decidedly different way of approaching things.

As an anthropological study of the laziest variety (sorry Jane Goodall), I’ve studied their Facebook habits for many months. My observations have confirmed that that my children will be raised off the grid and away from the evils of the Internet (I will remain a contributor to this website and an avid Facebook user).

Why deny my children the pleasure of the Internet? Because I’m already the meanest mom in the world, that’s why. Also, because the teenage girls of the world insist on using it for the wrong things. Like what? Like this!

To fish for compliments: Nobody thinks that the photo you took of yourself pensively biting your lip and gazing at your own reflection in your parents’ bathroom is a candid. Likewise, nobody thinks you actually think it is “SO UGLY!” 

To fight with friends, family and frenemies: I never thought I would long for the days when you could settle the score by writing about someone on a bathroom wall. That was before I realized the Facebook wall had long replaced the bathroom wall and that I was old and not cool.

To show that ex boyfriend you’re SO OVER IT: If the best revenge is to live a good life, then the ultimate revenge is to go to great lengths to show just how good that life is, right? Wrong. A status message quoting Taylor Swift does not remind a boy of how good he had it. It probably just reminds him of how annoying he thinks Taylor Swift is.

To show that ex boyfriend you are SO NOT OVER IT: Sadface photos. Cryptic, passive-aggressive status updates about overcoming adversity, finding beauty in heartache and other words of wisdom from Top 40 pop stars of the emo variety. In my day, we would just sniffle quietly in the back of the class. Both are cringeworthy. Only one is cached on the internet.

To practice your  “modeling”: Not to sound like your mother, but you’re too young to be dressing like that. And I don’t care what you saw in the Victoria’s Secret Pink Catalogue, you are not to be looking at the camera in that way.

To declare your popularity: How will people know which very best friend will stand the test of time and be your lifelong bestie long after graduation if you’re not engaged in flurry of photo tagging and wall posting at all times? Spoiler alert: maybe 5 of those friendships will last past the first semester of college.

I’ll be (uncharacteristically) fair and say that we can’t blame it all on the teens. What’s your Facebook pet peeve?

by Nora McInerny