Consider yourself warned.

Where do I start? A sugar-free alternative, awesome! My only suggestion is to use 1/4 of the bag chugging coffees! Just when I sat back to reminisce about the nearly guiltless indulgence I just inhaled, that is when it began. At first, it was just a little gurgle, perhaps it is just a bit of indigestion? I reposition myself and brush it off. Shortly thereafter it hit.. the realization that I am in trouble here... I clenched my bottom and slowly maneuvred to the edge of my seat in mortal fear. Ok, maybe it's just gas? Maybe if I just 'poot' a little it will release some of this ungodly pressure.. wait, Dad always warned to never trust a fart after a certain age, he is a smart man and usually always right. This is a chance I don't think I want to take. I grabbed the arm of the couch to gently lift myself from the seated position, Oooh *Clench*!! Batton down the hatches Dorothy, we aren't in Kansas anymore! Ok ok.. I have to actually move to make it to the land of Oz because the monkeys are ready to fly and I'm quickly running out of time. Gahhh! Ok, if I keep my butt cheeks clenched tightly enough and my knees together I think I can shuffle my way to the can, here we go.. clamp harder girl you can do it! (note: If you hike on to your tiptoes you can get a bit more speed). Here we go, oh yes! I'm almost there I think I'm going to make it!! Oh for goodness sakes cat get out the way!!! Ok..ok.. one final step and sweet relief, I just have to get my pants down far enough without having to bend over... Oh boy, this isn't going to work, I just realized the tighter you hold your cheeks the tighter your thighs clench together too! There is only one solution here, I must simultaneously yank my trousers down and slam my behind on down on that toilet seat *breathe*! 1..2..3... and here we go...

Next review: Handheld bathroom steam cleaner
Seriously, there needs to be a warning on the bag... never again! lol